The post that continues to prove my insanity.

I have hit a whole new level of wrong tonight. Why can't i just be OK with the way things are. Why am i always striving for something that makes more sense. I do a fantastic job of fucking up everything.

I can't live like this anymore. All of this lying, this deception for what?? The chance to feel better for minute while a larger issue of lack of trust brews at the innards of friendship? The most selfish of people, I believe, look at deception as an opportunity to take a caring individual for all they are worth. Not just money or possessions but also their souls. Deceiving someone deeply affects who they are, especially if they are normally a trusting person.

You know what, all of that is unimportant.

Here is what is important.

I lose again. I always have, and at this rate it doesn't look to get any better. I do this all the time. I think i am so right, when i couldn't possibly be so wrong. The more sure i am of a certain fact the more wrong i end up being. The more happy I am, the more hurt i get in the end. The preposterous idea that I could infact do something right in my own life, and not just give good advice, is an ideal that is too good to be true. I fucking give up.

I am gonna actively search the situation that makes the least sense. Look for the question that has no right answer and answer it anyways. Look for the worst and hope for the best. That is apparently my ownly shot at being kinda right. If i go into everything knowing i don't stand a chance, if i lower the bar enough, i just might be able to clear it.

By the way, i'm sorry about your pontoon, i think i just made it explode. I hope you make it to shore safely, and i hope you can get another one relatively easily. I am gonna go make a raft out of sponges. That should work out well for me.

I am going away, and alienating myself from the civilized world. I never thought I would say this... I miss whitewater.

Dennis